back to reality

I've officially made it to thanksgiving!!! It's an achievement in itself, I'd say. I have been told that if I can make it to this point- I can make it as a teacher.

While I'm still waiting for things to feel easier, or to get to that golden 'turn around' point, as I look back at my first month of teaching I can definitely see some growth.

1. I know what to do in almost any situation. I may not always make the right choice, but there are less and less moments where I stare at my chaotic class with a blank stare and absolutely no idea of how to proceed.

2. I care less. This growth has been essential. I spent so much time and energy caring about my lesson plans and the fact that my classroom isn't perfect, when really, it doesn't matter. Even if I plan an absolutely perfect lesson- chances are that my kids' behavior will not let me execute it effectively. So, I care less. If a lesson bombs- there's always tomorrow. Each class period always comes to an end sooner or later. I move on quicker and realize that I'm trying my best- and that has to be good enough for now.

3. I know better what I want. When I first started teaching, I had no idea what kind of mindsets, behaviors, and attitudes I needed my students to have. Now, I know what I want from them. Having a clear picture in my mind helps me to communicate exactly what I expect from my kids. They don't match this picture in my head at all, and spend most of their time doing exactly the opposite of what I want, but at least I know where I want to lead them.

4. I can eat breakfast most mornings and I can sleep through the night. What a relief. In August I was so nervous for school that I would wake up multiple times during the night from nightmares involving the classroom. When I would finally force myself out of bed in the morning, I was so nauseous and anxious that I couldn't eat breakfast. Now I can sleep through the night (and will dream about school, but not in a terrifying way) and I can eat breakfast even with some sense of dread knotting up my stomach.

5. Sometimes my kids listen to me. It only happens occasionally and passes in an instant, but some days kids will do what I say. Usually there is some sort of bribe or really harsh consequence involved... but still. It's a little glimmer of what teaching must actually be like for regular, experienced teachers. It must be heaven.

Life is still hard. I still don't enjoy teaching. However, I am getting through each day. I'm learning that I just have to do as much as I can- and that has to be enough.

Also- the really frustrating part is that I KNOW that if my kids would listen to me, I could enjoy teaching. I could be doing really great things in the school. But, since the kids are insane- I can't do anything with them besides scold and give consequences and repeat instructions. This is why my job is so tiring. I pour out all the energy I can muster and get none in return. Bad news, this probably won't change until I come back next year because I haven't built any social capita as a teacher. Good news, this probably will change when I come back next year and have some social capita with them. So- I guess I just have to keep holding out for another 6 months until the first year is over. It will fly by... right?