like a goldfish slowly boiling to death...

Morbid title, I know. But this thought has been going through my mind alot in the past few days.

In talking with a dear friend over the weekend, I did the usual update, summarizing the events of the past few weeks since we'd last talked. Here were some anecdotes-

- My 7th period literally looks like a jungle. Kids are running around the room, screaming and hitting each other. Kindergardeners behave better. Nothing I do or say can get them focused.

- My classes are mostly under control, with the exception of 7th grade. my 7th graders have gotten into the habit of singing their favorite song with these lyrics "Round of applauuuuse, shorty make that *** clap CLAP CLAP!" at various points while I try to teach. The entire class sings, so it's not like I can send out the perpetrators, and nothing happens when I bring authority in to talk to the whole class.

- About once a week our bell system won't work and we will be expected to 'hold' whatever class we have until the bell works again. I plan a 60 minute lesson for a 60 minute period. So, if the bell doesn't ring, I have nothing for them to do. The obvious answer would be for them to get out some homework or a book and work quietly. This is not possible. Unless I am forcing them to do work, they slip into 'LET'S SCREAM AND SHOUT REALLY LOUD' mode. One day, the bell rang either every 30 minutes or every 2 hours (once again- 60 minute class periods), and we were never sure which it was going to be. What the heck do you do for an extra hour with 18 7th graders ready to be in jungle mode? I made the coach come into my room and he watched You Tube videos with them.  You can enjoy them too! There's even one of my students dancing in one of the videos:
                   1. "Mo'head Swagg" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_Z4fr6E7HY
                   2. Form a Line  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXRExAfmg4I

I told all these things with frustration and anger in my voice, but since this is my life I didn't think much of it. I didn't think much of it until it was met with a very simple question: "are you listening to yourself?" It's a valid question. In any normal perception of life, these events would seem fantastical or slightly embellished. I assure you, they are not.

As I kept thinking about it, I started to realize just how insane my life really is. What is currently a 'normal' day of school would have been an absolute shock to me 8 months ago. If you told me what I would be facing every day, I probably would have never come to the Delta in the first place (or I wouldn't have believed you and came anyway). It's like the story of the goldfish in boiling water.

Once upon a time, there was a scientist who did a cruel experiment. He put his goldfish bowl on top of the stove and set the heat extremely low. he increased the temperature of the goldfish's water one degree at a time until eventually the poor fish boiled in it's own bowl- not realizing just how hot it had become because of the gradual change. 

While I can't say that I've had the good grace of adjusting so gradually (I felt more like thrown in a really warm hot tub and being forced to stay in the water until your skin stops burning), I still feel that I've grown so calloused to the 'delta normal' that it doesn't seem boiling anymore.

So- the obvious question that I am asked by friends and family every single day- "Are you boiling alive?" "Are you really ok?" "Why the heck are you still putting yourself through this?"

An honest answer with how I feel right at this moment? No, I'm probably not completely ok. There is a part of me that is getting a little singed. This will probably be one of the hardest years of my life. Honestly. Most days I come home defeated and despairing, and the only thing that keeps me going at times is the fact that I signed a stupid piece of paper that binds me to a year long contract, and that the teacher shortage in MS is so bad that my kids would have a long term sub that would babysit them for the rest of the year and set them back farther than I ever could.

Will I come back next year and finish out my time? I don't know. If my school situation stays the same, I have the same principal and the school culture doesn't change- probably not. It's not worth it to be this miserable. However, if the school situation changes or I can switch to a place where I am supported (not highly likely), then yes. absolutely. I still believe that the Delta can use what I have to give. I would love to give another year to this mission if I can be successful at it. Everyone says the second year is so much better. You start out strong- you nip problems in the bud, you are motivated and driven and you know how to bring your kids up with you. The days I even get a sliver of that feeling, I think "yep- I could do this. I would love to continue teaching".

So what was my day like today? A girl made herself sick in my class and threw up all over the floor so she could go to the office. The office sent her back to my class saying "no one leaves, no excuses". I sprayed some air freshner and attempted to keep teaching. I will go back tomorrow after a day like today and attempt to keep teaching. Until May freaking 25th I will go back and attempt to keep teaching. After that- we'll see.